As an Intimate relationship coach I am very aware of the sexual problems we face at all stages of our path through life. The path we take sometimes reminds me of a river that seems to have a crazy variety of different styles and stages as the years pass and our experience increases, from the bubbling excited brook to the slower moving, sweeping grace of a grand river finding its way down to the ocean. With this vision I can not only see the birth, growth and maturity of our own sexuality but also the birth, growth and maturity of our relationships, both encountering twists and turns on route. Moments of grace and peace, moments of turbulence and exhilaration, and moments of effervescence and of complete joy. With my 7 top tips for a super sex life I aim to give you some simple solutions to ensure that sex can always be a safe haven of bliss and not a minefield of confusion and complications.
Here is a quick picture of the changes and problems we may encounter from adolescence to parenthood, to mid-life and beyond.
The Teenage years bring passion, uncertainty, raging and confusing hormones, bodily changes that are impossible to control, feelings of inadequacy and confusion, doubts , insecurities and embarrassment teenagers often do not know where to go for help and advice. Parents don't seem to understand them, teachers are often inaccessible, peers don't have the solutions, searching the internet can often prove even more confusing especially with so much sexual content they often end up comparing themselves and their ever changing bodies to what they see on porn clips etc., making them feel even more insecure. Boys suffer insecurities about penis size. Girls are concerned with breast shape and size, performance anxiety, peer pressure to have sex before they feel ready, contraception and sexual health issues the list of teenage sexual issues is endless.
As we reach our twenties and the body and the hormone levels seem to have settled and we feel a little more comfortable both sexually and emotionally We have actually survived the puberty minefield! We begin to gain a little more sexual confidence. Experimenting with some of our sexual fantasies, having the courage to play outside of the constraints of a formal relationship. There still however, may be a multitude of questions, still niggling doubts and insecurities and gaps in our sexual knowledge...we are still asking questions....some women may still not have experienced orgasm, or be asking if there is more than just a clitoral orgasm? what is a g spot? How do I show my partner what I like? Men may have performance anxiety with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction and not have the confidence to be able to ask for help.
As we reach out late twenties and early thirties we are often embarking on long term relationships sex takes on another more comfortable and confident space in our lives and thinking about parenthood. Again our sexuality takes another term as we decide it is time to procreate! Sex now takes on a whole different meaning, trying to create new life is an incredibly intimate and different experience, for many couples pregnancy occurs relatively easily with the first 6 months, however on occasion it is not always as easy as we thought it would be and sometimes sex becomes a performance instead of a pleasure...with timetables, drugs,hormones,doctors and interventions. Ultimately time of pressure and anxiety where sex can actually become a chore instead of a joy.
So you have successfully managed to create a new life, where does sexuality fit now... you may completely loose your sex drive in the first few months or you may feel sexy all the time, you may have concerns about harming the baby or miscarriage or which sexual positions work best as the pregnancy progresses, You may have issues about your changing body shape and size which can effect how you view yourself sexually. With Childbirth and parenthood we enter yet a new realm of our journey through life and changes that affect us as sexual adults.
Parenthood is a shock both physically and emotionally. Resuming a sex life is very often the last thing on a new mother's mind and a few men who have been at the birth of their child are quite distressed by what they have seen. In-fact some of them may feel so guilty at the pain their partner has gone through that they are unable to even consider the idea of making love with her again. But as the days and weeks pass life will get into a new pattern of caring for the new family member. This can however, be a time of sexual disharmony within a relationship, it is essential that a couple takes care of time management and put aside time each week where they can maintain the intimacy, love and sharing that keeps their relationship alive...you are parents but you are also sexual beings too. Men can sometimes feel sidelined and neglected, whilst it is very important for women to make time for her man it is equally important for men to understand that this is not an intentional planned rejection by her, this is just how she works! with patience, understanding, caring, love and great time management your relationship has the potential to scale to new heights.
As the years pass, you have more more children, raise a family, change your circumstances, your sexual needs will also grow and alter over the years. One of the most essential things to always remember is good communication try to keep in mind the love and caring that took you on the journey in the first place. If you sever the lines of communication you cut off the life force of the relationship. Sex is a wonderful way to communicate, although admittedly often the hardest thing to talk about. As the years pass it will become increasingly important to maintain energy, excitement and spontaneity in your sex life to achieve this we need to be watchful for changes that occur with our partners and ourselves and make sure we are actively listening and responding to these changes. Ensuring that as life changes for us we remember include our partners in the changes ...this can often happen when one partner stays at home to raise the children the other is the main earner and continues with his or her daily life outside of the home …. wants needs and desires alter slowly and in the busy world we live in these things can pass unnoticed with Less and less time being made for intimacy, one of the things I often hear is “yes of course we love each other but its like living with my sister or brother..there is no intimacy any more”
As we grow older our sexual needs of course change with time, children leave home, a couple can find themselves alone again for the first time in many years, they may feel that they have lost touch with each other. Women begin to experience hormonal changes which can feel a little like puberty in reverse! at the onset of menopause we may experience moodiness, flushes, we may feel completely asexual or may have more desire for sex than we have ever experienced and this can all change in an hour!!! of course there are physical changes that occur at menopause as well, vaginal dryness for example can make sex an uncomfortable experience . Whilst men do not experience ”menopause” there is a reduction in testosterone levels that occurs every year from the age of 30.... men may find it more difficult to get or sustain an erection, they may have a lower libido than before, they may lack the sexual confidence they once had or they may experience premature ejaculation.
As we move into our 60's 70's and even our 80's although our libido's may diminish there is still a real need for the intimacy and the sexual contact that we have always enjoyed. And there is no reason why we should not remain the sexual active adults we have always been, we may need to become a little innovative with positions that are comfortable for our ageing bodies and we may need a little more patience, we may need to take into consideration any medical conditions, however sexuality as we get older is a great form of exercise, increases our “feel-good” hormone levels thus making the world an altogether better place.
For all the years and all the changes that occur in our sexual lives there really are solutions that can help us along the way.
With my book 7 top tips for a super sex life I will be addressing how you can prevent the small hills becoming insurmountable mountains! There are sections on sexuality in menopause, pregnancy and sex, teenage sexual questions and answers, communications skills for couples, how to have the perfect sensual weekend, and much much more..Coming soon on Amazon My Intimate guru's 7 top tips for a super sex life
