7 top tips for a super sex life

As an Intimate relationship coach I am very aware of the sexual problems we face at all stages of our path through life. The path we take sometimes reminds me of a river that seems to have a crazy variety of different styles and stages as the years pass and our experience increases, from the bubbling excited brook to the slower moving, sweeping grace of a grand river finding its way down to the ocean. With this vision I can not only see the birth, growth and maturity of our own sexuality but also the birth, growth and maturity of our relationships, both encountering twists and turns on route. Moments of grace and peace, moments of turbulence and exhilaration, and moments of effervescence and of complete joy. With my 7 top tips for a super sex life I aim to give you some simple solutions to ensure that sex can always be a safe haven of bliss and not a minefield of confusion and complications.

Here is a quick picture of the changes and problems we may encounter from adolescence to parenthood, to mid-life and beyond.

The Teenage years bring passion, uncertainty, raging and confusing hormones, bodily changes that are impossible to control, feelings of inadequacy and confusion, doubts , insecurities and embarrassment teenagers often do not know where to go for help and advice. Parents don't seem to understand them, teachers are often inaccessible, peers don't have the solutions, searching the internet can often prove even more confusing especially with so much sexual content they often end up comparing themselves and their ever changing bodies to what they see on porn clips etc., making them feel even more insecure. Boys suffer insecurities about penis size. Girls are concerned with breast shape and size, performance anxiety, peer pressure to have sex before they feel ready, contraception and sexual health issues the list of teenage sexual issues is endless.

As we reach our twenties and the body and the hormone levels seem to have settled and we feel a little more comfortable both sexually and emotionally We have actually survived the puberty minefield! We begin to gain a little more sexual confidence. Experimenting with some of our sexual fantasies, having the courage to play outside of the constraints of a formal relationship. There still however, may be a multitude of questions, still niggling doubts and insecurities and gaps in our sexual knowledge...we are still asking questions....some women may still not have experienced orgasm, or be asking if there is more than just a clitoral orgasm? what is a g spot? How do I show my partner what I like? Men may have performance anxiety with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction and not have the confidence to be able to ask for help.

As we reach out late twenties and early thirties we are often embarking on long term relationships sex takes on another more comfortable and confident space in our lives and thinking about parenthood. Again our sexuality takes another term as we decide it is time to procreate! Sex now takes on a whole different meaning, trying to create new life is an incredibly intimate and different experience, for many couples pregnancy occurs relatively easily with the first 6 months, however on occasion it is not always as easy as we thought it would be and sometimes sex becomes a performance instead of a pleasure...with timetables, drugs,hormones,doctors and interventions. Ultimately time of pressure and anxiety where sex can actually become a chore instead of a joy.

So you have successfully managed to create a new life, where does sexuality fit now... you may completely loose your sex drive in the first few months or you may feel sexy all the time, you may have concerns about harming the baby or miscarriage or which sexual positions work best as the pregnancy progresses, You may have issues about your changing body shape and size which can effect how you view yourself sexually. With Childbirth and parenthood we enter yet a new realm of our journey through life and changes that affect us as sexual adults.

Parenthood is a shock both physically and emotionally. Resuming a sex life is very often the last thing on a new mother's mind and a few men who have been at the birth of their child are quite distressed by what they have seen. In-fact some of them may feel so guilty at the pain their partner has gone through that they are unable to even consider the idea of making love with her again. But as the days and weeks pass life will get into a new pattern of caring for the new family member. This can however, be a time of sexual disharmony within a relationship, it is essential that a couple takes care of time management and put aside time each week where they can maintain the intimacy, love and sharing that keeps their relationship alive...you are parents but you are also sexual beings too. Men can sometimes feel sidelined and neglected, whilst it is very important for women to make time for her man it is equally important for men to understand that this is not an intentional planned rejection by her, this is just how she works! with patience, understanding, caring, love and great time management your relationship has the potential to scale to new heights.

As the years pass, you have more more children, raise a family, change your circumstances, your sexual needs will also grow and alter over the years. One of the most essential things to always remember is good communication try to keep in mind the love and caring that took you on the journey in the first place. If you sever the lines of communication you cut off the life force of the relationship. Sex is a wonderful way to communicate, although admittedly often the hardest thing to talk about. As the years pass it will become increasingly important to maintain energy, excitement and spontaneity in your sex life to achieve this we need to be watchful for changes that occur with our partners and ourselves and make sure we are actively listening and responding to these changes. Ensuring that as life changes for us we remember include our partners in the changes ...this can often happen when one partner stays at home to raise the children the other is the main earner and continues with his or her daily life outside of the home …. wants needs and desires alter slowly and in the busy world we live in these things can pass unnoticed with Less and less time being made for intimacy, one of the things I often hear is “yes of course we love each other but its like living with my sister or brother..there is no intimacy any more”

As we grow older our sexual needs of course change with time, children leave home, a couple can find themselves alone again for the first time in many years, they may feel that they have lost touch with each other. Women begin to experience hormonal changes which can feel a little like puberty in reverse! at the onset of menopause we may experience moodiness, flushes, we may feel completely asexual or may have more desire for sex than we have ever experienced and this can all change in an hour!!! of course there are physical changes that occur at menopause as well, vaginal dryness for example can make sex an uncomfortable experience . Whilst men do not experience ”menopause” there is a reduction in testosterone levels that occurs every year from the age of 30.... men may find it more difficult to get or sustain an erection, they may have a lower libido than before, they may lack the sexual confidence they once had or they may experience premature ejaculation.

As we move into our 60's 70's and even our 80's although our libido's may diminish there is still a real need for the intimacy and the sexual contact that we have always enjoyed. And there is no reason why we should not remain the sexual active adults we have always been, we may need to become a little innovative with positions that are comfortable for our ageing bodies and we may need a little more patience, we may need to take into consideration any medical conditions, however sexuality as we get older is a great form of exercise, increases our “feel-good” hormone levels thus making the world an altogether better place.

For all the years and all the changes that occur in our sexual lives there really are solutions that can help us along the way.

With my book 7 top tips for a super sex life I will be addressing how you can prevent the small hills becoming insurmountable mountains! There are sections on sexuality in menopause, pregnancy and sex, teenage sexual questions and answers, communications skills for couples, how to have the perfect sensual weekend, and much much more..Coming soon on Amazon My Intimate guru's 7 top tips for a super sex life

A little sex Quiz.....with Answers

A little sex quiz


I found these questions online and thought some of you might find it fun to see how much we really do know about practical sexual matters... So here is a little quiz...Answers on Monday..but if you can't wait email me either at facebook or at myintimateguru@gmail.com

Have fun.....share the questions with your partners... some of the answers are very interesting and it will be fascinating to see the difference of the male response to the female response.

1. In which of the following ways are men’s and women’s sex drives different?

1. Women are more likely to call themselves bisexual
2. Women are more influenced by the attitudes of their peer group in decisions about sex
3. A woman's willingness to perform various sexual practices is more likely to change over time
4. All of the above

2. What’s the average length of an erect penis?
1. 4 to 5 inches
2. 5 to 6 inches
3. 7 to 8 inches
4. 8 to 10 inches


3. Which gender has a higher preference for reaching orgasm through oral sex?
1. Men
2. Women


4. How long is it before the average man ejaculates during sexual intercourse?
1. 5.4 minutes
2. 9.1 minutes
3. 18.7 minutes
4. 32.6 minutes


5. Stress can make a man’s penis shrink.
1. True
2. False


6. Older women are more likely to experience orgasm when sex is within the context of a relationship.
1. True
2. False


7. Masturbation can:
1. Improve sexual function
2. Cause sexual dysfunction
3. Cause genital injury
4. All of the above


8. Most women under age 60 think about sex less than once a day.
1. True
2. False


9. What percentage of women say they always have an orgasm during sex with their partner?
1. 14
2. 29
3. 48
4. 74


10. What percentage of men say they always have an orgasm during sex with their partner?
1. 39
2. 60
3. 75
4. 93


11. Most women can have an orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris.
1. True
2. False


12. The G-spot is a sexually sensitive part of a women's anatomy found in the anterior wall of the vagina?
1. True
2. False


13. Sexual activity can increase the risk of stroke and heart attack in older people.
1. True
2. False



And now the answers:


1. Answer: All of the Above

Experts say women's sexual inclinations are more complicated than men's. While men are very rigid and specific about who they become aroused by, women have less-directed sex drives. Researchers say women are more likely to call themselves bisexual and that their sex drives overall are more “fluid” and can be more heavily influenced by social and cultural factor


2. Answer: 5 to 6 inches
Erect, the average penis length is between 5 and 6 inches. When flaccid, penis size averages around 3.5 inches


3. Answer: Women
Only 10% of men reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm, while 18% of women reported that preference. Men are more likely to reach orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse, but women are more likely to reach orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts that include vaginal intercourse or oral sex.


4. Answer: 5.4 minute
A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the average duration from the beginning of vaginal penetration until ejaculation was 5.4 minutes


5. Answer: True
One more reason for men to avoid stress: It can make your penis shrink, if only temporarily. A man’s flaccid penis varies in size considerably because of various environmental factors and their effects on the sympathetic nervous system. Cold water and cold air are perhaps the best known causes of this “shrinkage” phenomenon, but psychological stress can do the same thing


6. Answer: True
Women over 50 are more likely to report orgasm when a sexual event is with someone who is not a relationship partner. Researchers speculate that many newly divorced or widowed women may find the novelty of a new partner arousing. What I find interesting about this is that it gave me some inspiration as to how women over 50 (and all women and men of any age) can actually add some novelty and “newness” to their existing relationship. Have a look at my short blog on sexual spontaneity, However there are more than the practical methods for spicing up your love life...how well are you communicating in your partnership? It is possible that improving your communication skills will give you the tools to help you to achieve a more loving and fulfilling sexual experiences with your partner? the resounding answer is yes..although orgasm is a physical bodily function the ability to achieve orgasm seems to be closely associated with performance pressure and especially for women an unwillingness to pursue pleasure, as separate from the other person's satisfaction. Often, women worry so much about the pleasure of their partner that they become anxious, which manifests as a delay of orgasm for them. This delay can lead to frustration of not reaching orgasmic sexual satisfaction. If this is a problem for you in your relationship please feel free to contact me in complete confidence.


7. Answer: All of the Above
Most masturbation is safe and healthy, sex therapists say. And it can improve sexual function and relationships by teaching both men and women about their own sexual responses, so they’re better able to explain to their partner what feels good to them. However, people who become too obsessed with solo sex can develop sexual problems or lose interest in sex with their partners. Finally, masturbation can, in fact, cause injury; frequent or overly vigorous masturbation can irritate the skin of the penis, and men who masturbate face-down can injure their urethras. Interesting answer this. I am not sure I entirely agree totally with the whole answer to this question...

”people who become too obsessed with solo sex can develop sexual problems or lose interest in sex with their partners”

If you find yourself or your partner in this situation it may be helpful to seek out some professional advice.

“masturbation can, in fact, cause injury; frequent or overly vigorous masturbation can irritate the skin of the penis or clitorus, and men who masturbate face-down can injure their urethras”

Whilst this is of course possible, it really does depend on the frequency and duration of masturbation, masturbation like all sexual activity usually relies on friction to achieve stimulation, excessive friction can cause skin irritation...I would always recommend using a good intimate lubricant such as KY jelly if you are planning an extended sex session!


8. Answer: True
While the majority of adult men under 60 think about sex at least once a day, only about one-quarter of women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasize less, but men still fantasize about twice as often


9. Answer: 29
Among women who are part of a couple, 29% report that they always have an orgasm. What a surprising answer...71% of women are not achieving orgasm with their partners on a regular basis! This is a huge quantity! Now..I have two lines of thought...I really do believe that when we make love we should be concentrating on the journey not the Goal...did you know that an orgasm actually only lasts about 5-15 seconds? However, If women are regularly not able to achieve orgasm then there is certainly a problem to which there is definitely a solution. If you are not able to achieve orgasm on a reasonably regular basis or not at all, then please seek professional help. There really are many causes of the problem ranging from purely mechanical to relationship issues, past experiences, time management problems etc., if this is a problem for you please feel free to contact me privately.

10. Answer: 75

Among men who are part of a couple, 75% report that they always have an orgasm. Not such a high number as for the ladies..however the same applies as above...please feel free to contact me privately if this is a particular problem for you.


11. Answer: False
Most women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. For women who have trouble achieving orgasm, incorporating clitoral stimulation into sexual activity may be all that is necessary


12. Answer: false...but actually a little confusing!

Whether the G-spot exists is a matter of debate. Popularized by a 1982 book, the G-spot is a region found behind the pubic bone that has been credited as the trigger for a vaginal (vs. clitoral) orgasm, and even a catalyst for female ejaculation. However, some experts note that there’s no unique anatomical structure where the G-spot is supposed to be located. If the G-spot exists, it’s best described as an erogenous zone rather than a part of a woman’s anatomy. I found this answer particularly confusing..The area we are talking about whether we give it a name or not is certainly located on the anterior wall of the vagina... Have a look at the diagram below..the whole area I have labelled in green is particularly sensitive its also important to note that the clitorus is just not the visible part that we can see from outside..the spongy and erectile tissue of the clitorus engulfs a far wider area and when a women is aroused the erectile tissue swells and extends not just outwardly but inwardly as well .

13. Answer: false

While people with a history of stroke or heart disease should consult their doctors about sexual activity, for the most part, sex is a healthy form of exercise for older people. Researchers who tracked 914 men for 20 years found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half, compared with those who had sex less than once a month. They also found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke

Enjoying sexual spontaneity

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Sex does not always have to be in pre-arranged in a pre-ordained manner. I fact some people get so ingrained in certain pattern of behaviour during sex that when faced with something outside of their norm they simply cannot manage they fail to orgasm, fail to relax, fail to achieve or maintain erection. Sex most certainly should never become boring and it never needs to, part of enjoying spontaneity is enjoy having fun, exploring, laughter and sex a fantastic combination. You may feel, well I have been with my husband/wife/partner for x amount of years, and we always do this/that..its the way they like it! So why not surprise them, for example; blind fold him/her and use a feathers up and down his/her body and over his/her delicate bits! they will love it. Offer him a massage, use some warm perfumed oil, take it slowly and turn it into a sensual event using silks and feathers, light touch, firm touch in fact have a hunt around the house you will be amazed at how many everyday objects can become sex toys.... feather dusters, dust-catchers, silk scarves, strings of beads, alternating drips of icy water and hot water, rubbing ice cubes gently over the skin, fingernails! One last thing and I know this may sound a little 1950's housewifey but really its good advice If he/she comes home at lunchtime, for example, and is feeling sexy, don’t frown and say you really don't have time ..smile and say yes please!!! you will feel great afterwards and for the rest of the day.

Coming soon.....My Intimate Guru's guide to the perfect evening at home with the one you love.

Please remember if you have an questions you can email me privately at myintimateguru@gmail.com

sexuality and menopause

Menopause most certainly does not signal the end of our sexuality, In actual fact we often face our sexuality with renewed vigour, no longer is the danger of unplanned pregnancy an issue, The children have left home we get back the freedom we once had and more opportunity to rekindle the intimacy we once had with our partners. So everything sounds like it should be quite rosy, however the reality is that we are actually feeling quite strange with our changing hormones and our altering bodies.

Let us for moment just look at what is happening with our physiology

Basically our ovaries are failing to produce the same quantity of sex hormones ,oestrogen and progesterone. This is a little like puberty in reverse! And just as much of a hormone roller coaster, causing the symptoms we all know and love, hot flushes, night sweats, palpitations, these occur because the body is receiving false messages about our core temperature, its saying warm us up, so our blood vessels dilate and contract with little or no respect as to our real situation....i.e. sitting in a perfectly adequately heated restaurant and needing to suddenly remove our clothes as we are seem to have a fire that has started on the inside! Unfortunately while our oestrogen is lowering this allows there to be a 'relative' increase in the level of testosterone so we may start to notice an increase in the growth of facial hair and notice our head hair becomes dryer than usual or even thinning as some of us start to develop male pattern baldness. Skin changes occur due to the reduction of collagen and elastin causing the skin becoming thinner and finer. More wrinkles start to appear a long with age spots caused by deposition of Melanin in the skin. Add to this some weight gain, mood swings, generalised aching and vaginal dryness! And I am talking about feeling sexy during menopause!

So what can we do to rekindle the intimacy inside that once burnt so freely and now threatens to be extinguished like the last flicker of a candle.

We can embrace it! We can have more sex! We can actually enjoy the freedom that being a “woman of a certain age” brings us, instead of saying we don't feel like it, we are tired, we cannot be bothered, Lets be the women we once were, we are still there on the inside but now we are brimming with experience and wisdom.

Sex increases our hormone production and makes us feel good about ourselves, here are 10 reasons that we should all be having more sex regardless of age but especially when our hormone levels are beginning to decline: (Some of these apply to men as well)

1. Heavy Breathing. A night of love can raise the amount of oxygen in cells, helping to keep organs and tissues functioning at their peak.
2. Strong Bones and Muscles. "Any kind of physical exercise is going to increase testosterone in men and oestrogen in women," states Dr. Karen Donahey, director of the Sex and Marital Therapy Program at Chicago's Northwestern University Medical Centre. Testosterone is believed to help keep men's bones and muscles strong as oestrogen does for women.
3. Lowered Cholesterol. Making love regularly can lower levels of the body's total cholesterol slightly, while positively changing the ratio of good-to-bad cholesterol.
4. Pain Relief. Sex can lower levels of "arthritic pain, whiplash pain and headache pain," according to Dr. Beverly Whipple, president-elect of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counsellors and Therapists. Hormones that are released during sexual excitement and orgasm can elevate pain thresholds.
5. DHEA -- Without Supplements. DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone), a popular supplemental hormone, is released naturally during lovemaking. "Just before orgasm ," Crenshaw says, "DHEA spikes to levels three to five times higher than usual."
6. Prostate Protection (for the boys) Researchers say prostate trouble may arise or be worsened by fluid build-up within the gland. Regular ejaculation will help wash out those fluids. Be cautious when suddenly changing frequency -- sudden changes may also trigger prostate problems.
7. Stress Relief. "Sex can be a very effective way of reducing stress levels," Donahey told Men's Health.
8. Love Will Keep Us Together. Crenshaw says affectionate touch will increase levels of oxytocin -- the "bonding hormone." Oxytocin is a desire-enhancing chemical secreted by the pituitary. Regular oxytocin release may help encourage frequent lovemaking.
9. Hormones -- Naturally. "Regular lovemaking can increase a woman's oestrogen level, protect her heart and keep her vaginal tissues more supple," states Donahey.
10. Exercise. "Sexual activity is a form of physical exercise," according to Dr. Michael Cirigliano of the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. Making love three times a week burns around 7,500 calories in a year -- the equivalent of jogging 75 miles.

SOURCE: Men's Health (November 1997, p. 104-108


So it looks like the answer is we should be having more sex, sounds easy doesn’t it? But sometimes its hard to find the time, we end up trying to make love at midnight because its all the time we have and we feel we ought to,when actually we are exhausted and totally not in the mood. We may have forgotten how to initiate sex or even even feel uncomfortable bringing up the subject (see my communication blog). We may be expecting our partner to read our mind and initiate sex, men cannot read minds! They just don't have the same ability to read unspoken things that women do, men need to be given clear signals. So lets thinks about how we can get back on the happy, healthy, “sex wagon”
if your sex drive isn't what it once was you can still take time for intimacy with your partner and you may be surprised that your libido increases as well. Being intimate does not require having intercourse, love and affection can be expressed in many ways. Enjoy your time together, try taking long romantic walks, have candlelit dinners, or giving each other massages.

• Educate yourself about your anatomy, sexual function, and the normal changes associated with ageing, as well as sexual behaviours and responses. This may help you overcome your anxieties about sexual function and performance.
• Enhance stimulation through the use of erotic materials (videos or books), masturbation and changes to sexual routines.
• Use distraction techniques to increase relaxation and eliminate anxiety. These can include erotic or non-erotic fantasies, using pelvic floor exercises when you are having intercourse, and music or videos.
• Practice stimulation without intercourse such as sensual massage, gentle touching using silks of feathers, talking about fantasies, bathing each other. These types of activities can be used to promote comfort and increase communication between you and your partner.
• Minimize any pain you may be experiencing by using sexual positions that allow you to control the depth of penetration. You may also want to take a warm bath before intercourse to help you relax, and use vaginal lubricants to help reduce pain caused by vaginal dryness.

• Vaginal dryness

  Vaginal dryness is the first, and easiest, thing to solve if you are experiencing sexual difficulties because there is just insufficient lubrication. Often saliva, K-Y jelly, give sufficient relief. When they don't, tiny amounts of oestrogen creams applied vaginally will not only improve lubrication but will after a few weeks restore the thickness and consistency of the vaginal area to its pre-menopausal levels without exposing the rest of the body to hormones. Simply making penetration pain free and well-lubricated can bring back sexual pleasure for many women.

• Hormone therapy

  If your libido still remains unsatisfactory even after using lubricants or vaginal oestrogen and although the vaginal tissue is less thin and is more lubricated, it may be time to talk to your doctor about systemic oestrogens (HRT) in the form of pills or patches. Male sexual hormones can also effectively boost a woman's flagging libido, either with oestrogen or by themselves. However male hormones can deepen a woman's voice and cause liver damage, among other side effects, definatly needs a medical consultation One other drug that is available is called Tibolone (Livial) Is a combination of oestrogen progesterone and testosterone, is effective for hot flushes and vaginal dryness and very effective to increase the libido. However any medication has side effects and in order to decide what will be most effective for you again I would recommend a medical consultation
  

Communication is often the most difficult thing and even in the most loving relationships, asking for what we want may be hard.

• We feel that sex is supposed to come naturally, and having to talk about it must mean there’s a problem.
• We are afraid that being honest about what we want will threaten the other person.
• We are embarrassed by the words themselves.
• We have been making love with the same person for years, and it feels risky to bring up new insights.
• We aren’t communicating well with our partner in other areas of our relationship.
• Our partner seems defensive and might interpret our suggestion as a criticism or a demand.
• We don’t know exactly what we want at a particular time, or we prefer to react to something our partner does.
• Even with a willing partner, we may feel inhibited about asserting our sexuality openly and proudly.

If we do ask for what we want, we may be relieved and and happy to get our desires met. However, if our partner has different preferences, we may have to do some negotiating or compromising and look below the surface and find out what exactly are the underlying needs. For example, let’s say that you want to spend long hours in bed on a Sunday morning making love, but your partner wants to get up and go for a run or read the paper. What are your needs that aren’t being met? Do you want more intimacy? Do you need time to unwind? Do you want more sexual attention? What are your partner’s needs? Instead of getting locked into a specific thought process i.e. whether to cuddle in bed on Sundays, you and your partner can focus on how to get both of your needs fulfilled in other ways. Perhaps you can create special times throughout the week for relaxing together. You may be surprised that when you do voice your thoughts and fears and when you expand the focus to include both of your underlying needs this can open up a whole new field of possibilities.
Lets remember that intimacy is not always about the goal but more about the journey , as a couple you can take time to relearn each others body again, sex is fun, makes us feel energised and makes us smile among other things....


My Intimate Guru will be running some guided intimate weekends for couples in Mallorca. So what is a “guided intimate weekend” well its a bit like a romantic weekend away with an agenda! The agenda being to get your relationship, communication and sex life back on track again, oh and to have fun! How do we do this? We learn to give again, we learn to receive again, we learn to laugh together again, we learn to trust again, we learn that the relationship we had x amount of years ago is actually still there and its even better than before.


Watch this space for more information...

communication part 1



Finding a path



Why is it so hard to have an open discussion with your partner about a sexual issue? Why when you go to open your mouth about a sexual issue does it all come out wrong? Why is your partner immediately defensive when it comes to intimate discussions? Why do intimate discussions often end in an argument? So may questions surrounding the theme of intimate communication skills.

I thought that in order to talk about good communication skills that maybe first I should give some examples of “bad” communications skills, so here are just 10 examples of the things that make communication more difficult maybe you will see yourself in some of these I know i did:

• Making character attacks ...“You’re lazy, stupid, …” rather than talking about the behavior that bothers you.

• Trying to be right rather than compromising...Would you rather be right or happy?

• Blaming others for your actions

• Not listening

• Thinking you know what your partner is thinking and feeling, rather than asking them

• Saying “You always…” or “You never…”

• Bringing up conflicts from the past when discussing a current conflict

• Being defensive

• Avoiding conflict altogether
• Stonewalling (refusing to listen to or talk to their partner)

and these are just some of the things that sadly we do in everyday communication... it is far better to:

• Listen Reflect back what your partner said accurately. Hear their feeling. Tune in to what they want and feel what's underneath it. Listen with your third ear.
• Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: "If I make dinner, will you clean up?" Be committed to making clear agreements.
• Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem. Kathlyn Hendricks asks people to "hmmm," which shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn, causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

• Focus on appreciation. There is a recommended ratio of 5-1 appreciation to complaint. Focus on the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.

• Focus on Now. The only reason to mention the past is in the context of learning from it, there is very little point in talking about something that you cannot change, far better to focus on what you can change right NOW.
• Time out. It may be that you need time to reflect and think things through positively, make sure you communicate this to your partner by arranging a time in the near future for a discussion this ensures they do not feel that you are stonewalling.

Now lets talk about intimate communication.

One of the greatest barriers to a good sexual relationship is an inability to communicate about sex. If fact we often find it far easier to have sex, than to talk about it! Many couples have never established a habit of talking about their feelings and about the sexual aspects of their relationship. This is hardly surprising when you consider how hard our parents found it to talk about sex with us. So the message that we often take with us to adulthood is that sex should definately not be spoken about.

However, It's never too late to start talking about sex and to also review your attitudes as well. A good place to start the conversation is after you have made love, you are both feeling close and comfortable, you are usually cuddling up in the after glow. Now would be a good time to discuss what you thought was great for you, and ask what was great for your partner. Rememeber to use your communication skills and listen and at this stage only concentrate on positives. It may be worth saying that you wonder why it is so hard to talk about sex, and see what his/her reply is. Be honest about how you feel when the topic of sex is raised and then maybe give a few clues as to why you think you feel this way. This may not be the time for a long discussion but it will certainly have opened a door, make sure the door stays open by saying that it has been so great to have been able to have had this conversation at last and that you would love to do it again...soon.

You may want to ask yourself a few questions in the meantime, for example: Are my needs for sex and intimacy being met?
Intimacy is not only about sex - it's about the whole of the relationship. Real intimacy takes place between two people who find themselves talking about important intimate subjects, their opinions, feelings and aspirations. If there are problems with non-sexual aspects of the relationship, this may affect sexual fulfillment.
Intimacy can quickly progress to sex. Such intimate communication leads to "really seeing" the other person which leads to touching and exploring each other's bodies. Sexual intimacy is that inner sense of loving and being loved.
In the past, having pleasurable sex and a satisfying relationship were regarded as unconnected. Today, for many people, neither sex for procreation or sex for pleasure alone is enough. Having satisfying sex within the context of a loving relationship is taken more seriously than ever. But how can we achieve it?
Just as you make time for sex, make time for talking about it. Turn off the radio, TV or ipod. Put down the newspaper, book, magazine or mouse. Concentrate on what your partner is saying and be supportive of the effort they are making, you know how hard this is for both of you, however i promise that you will both find the results far outweigh the effort, this will get easier and actually will become fun, maybe even a prelude to sex.

A couple of things to bear in mind is 1. Ensure that you both maintain eye contact demostrating that you are both focused and actively listening, and 2. make it clear that you value your partner regardless of what it is they say.

A good place to start may be sharing your sexual histories or lighter topics such as how you recieved your first sex education, your first awareness of sex, keep it light, keep it happy and most importantly laugh!

Ask questions for example: Do you prefer it when…?;

Make comments to increase your understanding of what your partner is saying for example: Oh yes, that's what it was like when we were on holiday

Reflect back what you have understood your partner to say for example: So I think you'd like us to spend more time setting the mood for sex?

Now the lines of communication are well and truly open the fun can really begin,

Watch this spot for the next instalment...

How can we rekindle the Spark?

A question of size

My Intimate Guru's Inbox

So i have a question :)
what do you do when a guy's really nice and every thing's lovely but the size of their penis means it does nothing :)

Thanks for the question, a good one and one that is often worried about by both sexes. The age old answer has always been “size doesn't matter”, well of course this is absolute nonsense, it matters when its “our” size we are talking about! So in order to answer the question i decided to do a little research and find out exactly what is the size of a normal penis, and found this was quite difficult to answer, as the penis changes size on a regular basis, i.e when aroused, when cold, at different times of the day, and also, the penis in its flaccid state may not represent its size when erect for example; A flaccid penis that looks large may be roughly the same size when erect as a flaccid penis that looks smaller. After some googling I found an actual measurement guide;

Average penis length (flaccid): from 3.4 inches to 3.7 inches (8.6 cm to 9.3 cm)
Average penis length (erect): from 5.1 inches to 5.7 inches (12.9 cm to 14.5 cm)
Average penis girth (circumference when erect): from 3.5 inches to 3.9 inches (8.8 cm to 10 cm)

So does penis size matter to women?..A survey of 556 women between the ages of 19-49 asked participants whether penis length and girth matter. The findings included:
18% said penis length was very important, 22% said penis girth was very important
57% said penis length was somewhat important, 53% said penis girth was somewhat important
25% said penis length was unimportant, 25% said penis girth was unimportant
I guess the median view is that yes, penis size is “somewhat” important to women , but the jury is out on whether that's in length or girth. During my research i found another slightly more interesting Canadian study that looked at penis size from a more erotic stance, they had women read erotic passages and rate them on the steaminess of the passage. The only thing they altered was the size of the penis. While some respondents did score the larger penises to be hotter, the differences were not statistically significant. Indicating that in a fantasy realm at least, bigger may not necessarily mean more arousing and penis size may not matter as much as other things.

Does penis size matter to men?..There is no question that this is a huge worry for men, young and old alike.. so i googled some statistics just to try and find out how big a worry it really is;

An Internet-based survey of 52 031 heterosexual men and women found that while 85% of women were satisfied with their partners’ penis size, but only 55% of the men were satisfied with their penis size.
Several studies that have asked men to evaluate the size of their penis, compare it to “normal” and then have actually measured their penis size, have shown that most men underestimate the size of their penis, and overestimate what is an average penis size.
Studies have also shown that men tend to compare penises in a way that is likely to end up with negative evaluation (i.e. they compare flaccid penis to an erect penis).
One study of men who were seeking penile enlargement surgery found that most of the men had penises that were in the average size range, despite their belief that they had unusually small penises.

So in conclusion men think penis size matters more than women...(incidentally this is also true for breasts, women think breast size is far more important than men do...men just love our breasts ladies no matter what size or shape)

Now lets look at a little more factual information this time about the women and how we have orgasms here is an abstract taken from a study by a person named Hoch Z. And its says:

We studied vaginal erotic sensitivity as part of the evaluation and treatment process of couples complaining of female coital anorgasmia (inability to have orgasms) but readily orgasmic at self or partner-performed external genital stimulation (clitoral masturbation). The existence on the anterior vaginal wall of an anatomically clearly definable erotically triggering entity, termed "The G Spot", was refuted by our findings. The entire anterior vaginal wall, including the deeper situated urinary bladder, periurethral tissues and Halban's fascia, rather than one specific spot, were found to be erotically sensitive in most of the women examined, and 64% of them learned how to reach orgasm by direct specific digital and/or coital stimulation of this area. All other parts of the vagina had poor erotic sensitivity. This supports our conceptualization of a 'clitoral/vaginal sensory arm of orgasmic reflex' including the clitoris, the entire anterior vaginal wall as well as the deeper situated tissues. Instead of looking for a 'vaginal (coital) orgasm' distinctly different from a 'clitoral orgasm', this concept speaks towards Vaginal erotic sensitivity by sexological examination.
Hoch Z.



So finally lets answer this question, If this guy is really nice and everything seems to be going well and you are feeling comfortable together but are worried that his penis will not be able to give you the satisfaction that you have experienced to this point in life...I think you are lucky you are about to enter a new era of discovery and exploration. Making love is not about size or shape or even totally about orgasms, Its about closeness, warmth, sharing and comfort. And if you are feeling those things then you can both learn the pattern of each others body's... Where in your body is there a point that when he kisses it or licks it or caresses it you will be begging him not to stop? What part of his body, when you touch it gently with your finger tips or a feather, do you hear him sigh quietly? What if he does two things at a time with his lips and his fingers? How do you feel? How will you guide him? Take it in turns to discover new things about each other. An orgasm takes between 5 and 20 seconds to be over, the journey to the orgasm can take hours and hours. In the light of that I am not sure that the size of his penis is so important, there is much more to sex than penetration and “wham, bam, thank you ma'am” sex is very unfulfilling

What is love

My Intimate Guru's Inbox

What is love???

I had a lovely Valentines message this morning from an old friend, which got me thinking about the true meaning of romantic love, the eternal question! What is love: the message I got said this:
Love is not an exam to pass or fail,
Love is not a competition to win or loose,
But love is a feeling in which you care for someone more than yourself...
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

At first glance i smiled and thought what a lovely message, then i got to thinking....Should you care for someone else more than yourself and still have a healthy relationship? Could you care for someone else more than yourself and still have a healthy relationship? So I Googled and Googled to try and find a definitive definition of “LOVE” wikipedia says; Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment, hmmm... is Love an emotion or is it in fact an action? For example love as an action could follow a scenario like this … Your significant other says “I love you” then turns around and appears to act in a way that suggests they do not really care for you in the way you would like them to, Its the action that is missing not necessarily the emotion. When I hear people say well i just stopped loving him/her this is definitely an action, an action that they just stopped taking part in, an emotion is not something you just stop having. I still “love” partners I had years ago, but I am not going to act on this emotion as the relationships did not work in a manner that was going to bring us both extended happiness.

There is a biological definition of love that names hormones such as oestrogen, testosterone, serotonin, norpinephrine, pheromones, dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin and this is just a few... all these hormones help control not only our sex drive, they also affect how we feel when we are “In love”with someone i.e, the appetite loss, sleeplessness, rapid pulse rate, feeling constantly excited, unfortunately this has a honeymoon period and these affects can last for about 1 to 3 years! This sounds a little like lust...natures way to get us to reproduce! But there is a third stage which is more about bonding and attachment and it would appear that when we are in a committed long term relationship we have higher levels of oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men. Oxytocin is a hormone in women which is usually associated with childbirth and breastfeeding and it also rises significantly before, during and after sexual activity. Vasopressin,is released into the brain during sexual activity and initiates and sustains patterns of activity that support the pair-bond between sexual partners. Vasopressin also seems to induce the male to become aggressive towards other males thus protecting his mate. So love is a hormonally controlled biological function in order to ensure successful human procreation. Definitely not very romantic!

Lets look at the psychological definition of love. Psychologist Robert Sternberg formulated a triangular theory of love and argued that love has three different components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Intimacy is a form in which two people share confidences and various details of their personal lives, and is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Commitment, on the other hand, is the expectation that the relationship is permanent. The last and most common form of love is sexual attraction and passion. All forms of love can be viewed as varying combinations of these three components. Another psychologist, Eric Fromm maintains the theory in his book “The art of loving” that love is not merely a feeling but is also actions, and that in fact, the "feeling" of love is superficial in comparison to a commitment to love via a series of loving actions over time. Fromm says that love is therefore not a feeling at all but rather a commitment to and an adherence to loving actions towards oneself or another or in fact many others over a sustained period of time. Fromm also describes love as a conscious choice that in its early stages might originate as an involuntary feeling (hormones?) but which later on no longer depends on those feelings but only in conscious commitment. This looks like we just have to wake up in the morning and make a decision to “love” not just our partner but ourselves and other people that are significant in our lives as well. I like this theory.
So... have I found a true definition of love?of course not. I have found a few theories surrounding the sensation we call love or the actions we call loving. For me I am going to continue enjoying the wonderful sense of being cared for i get, when my partner gives me a cup of tea i didn't ask for, because he thinks i deserve one. Or the profound warmth i feel when he gently squeezes my shoulder as I sit slaving over my Laptop! I will treasure the moments in bed as we fall asleep with our feet touching because cuddling and hot flushes don't mix! I love hearing those two or three little words. Lets all think a little harder everyday not just on Valentines day, about how we can show the people we love just how important they are to us....

Have a happy and loving Valentines day