sexuality and menopause

Menopause most certainly does not signal the end of our sexuality, In actual fact we often face our sexuality with renewed vigour, no longer is the danger of unplanned pregnancy an issue, The children have left home we get back the freedom we once had and more opportunity to rekindle the intimacy we once had with our partners. So everything sounds like it should be quite rosy, however the reality is that we are actually feeling quite strange with our changing hormones and our altering bodies.

Let us for moment just look at what is happening with our physiology

Basically our ovaries are failing to produce the same quantity of sex hormones ,oestrogen and progesterone. This is a little like puberty in reverse! And just as much of a hormone roller coaster, causing the symptoms we all know and love, hot flushes, night sweats, palpitations, these occur because the body is receiving false messages about our core temperature, its saying warm us up, so our blood vessels dilate and contract with little or no respect as to our real situation....i.e. sitting in a perfectly adequately heated restaurant and needing to suddenly remove our clothes as we are seem to have a fire that has started on the inside! Unfortunately while our oestrogen is lowering this allows there to be a 'relative' increase in the level of testosterone so we may start to notice an increase in the growth of facial hair and notice our head hair becomes dryer than usual or even thinning as some of us start to develop male pattern baldness. Skin changes occur due to the reduction of collagen and elastin causing the skin becoming thinner and finer. More wrinkles start to appear a long with age spots caused by deposition of Melanin in the skin. Add to this some weight gain, mood swings, generalised aching and vaginal dryness! And I am talking about feeling sexy during menopause!

So what can we do to rekindle the intimacy inside that once burnt so freely and now threatens to be extinguished like the last flicker of a candle.

We can embrace it! We can have more sex! We can actually enjoy the freedom that being a “woman of a certain age” brings us, instead of saying we don't feel like it, we are tired, we cannot be bothered, Lets be the women we once were, we are still there on the inside but now we are brimming with experience and wisdom.

Sex increases our hormone production and makes us feel good about ourselves, here are 10 reasons that we should all be having more sex regardless of age but especially when our hormone levels are beginning to decline: (Some of these apply to men as well)

1. Heavy Breathing. A night of love can raise the amount of oxygen in cells, helping to keep organs and tissues functioning at their peak.
2. Strong Bones and Muscles. "Any kind of physical exercise is going to increase testosterone in men and oestrogen in women," states Dr. Karen Donahey, director of the Sex and Marital Therapy Program at Chicago's Northwestern University Medical Centre. Testosterone is believed to help keep men's bones and muscles strong as oestrogen does for women.
3. Lowered Cholesterol. Making love regularly can lower levels of the body's total cholesterol slightly, while positively changing the ratio of good-to-bad cholesterol.
4. Pain Relief. Sex can lower levels of "arthritic pain, whiplash pain and headache pain," according to Dr. Beverly Whipple, president-elect of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counsellors and Therapists. Hormones that are released during sexual excitement and orgasm can elevate pain thresholds.
5. DHEA -- Without Supplements. DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone), a popular supplemental hormone, is released naturally during lovemaking. "Just before orgasm ," Crenshaw says, "DHEA spikes to levels three to five times higher than usual."
6. Prostate Protection (for the boys) Researchers say prostate trouble may arise or be worsened by fluid build-up within the gland. Regular ejaculation will help wash out those fluids. Be cautious when suddenly changing frequency -- sudden changes may also trigger prostate problems.
7. Stress Relief. "Sex can be a very effective way of reducing stress levels," Donahey told Men's Health.
8. Love Will Keep Us Together. Crenshaw says affectionate touch will increase levels of oxytocin -- the "bonding hormone." Oxytocin is a desire-enhancing chemical secreted by the pituitary. Regular oxytocin release may help encourage frequent lovemaking.
9. Hormones -- Naturally. "Regular lovemaking can increase a woman's oestrogen level, protect her heart and keep her vaginal tissues more supple," states Donahey.
10. Exercise. "Sexual activity is a form of physical exercise," according to Dr. Michael Cirigliano of the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. Making love three times a week burns around 7,500 calories in a year -- the equivalent of jogging 75 miles.

SOURCE: Men's Health (November 1997, p. 104-108


So it looks like the answer is we should be having more sex, sounds easy doesn’t it? But sometimes its hard to find the time, we end up trying to make love at midnight because its all the time we have and we feel we ought to,when actually we are exhausted and totally not in the mood. We may have forgotten how to initiate sex or even even feel uncomfortable bringing up the subject (see my communication blog). We may be expecting our partner to read our mind and initiate sex, men cannot read minds! They just don't have the same ability to read unspoken things that women do, men need to be given clear signals. So lets thinks about how we can get back on the happy, healthy, “sex wagon”
if your sex drive isn't what it once was you can still take time for intimacy with your partner and you may be surprised that your libido increases as well. Being intimate does not require having intercourse, love and affection can be expressed in many ways. Enjoy your time together, try taking long romantic walks, have candlelit dinners, or giving each other massages.

• Educate yourself about your anatomy, sexual function, and the normal changes associated with ageing, as well as sexual behaviours and responses. This may help you overcome your anxieties about sexual function and performance.
• Enhance stimulation through the use of erotic materials (videos or books), masturbation and changes to sexual routines.
• Use distraction techniques to increase relaxation and eliminate anxiety. These can include erotic or non-erotic fantasies, using pelvic floor exercises when you are having intercourse, and music or videos.
• Practice stimulation without intercourse such as sensual massage, gentle touching using silks of feathers, talking about fantasies, bathing each other. These types of activities can be used to promote comfort and increase communication between you and your partner.
• Minimize any pain you may be experiencing by using sexual positions that allow you to control the depth of penetration. You may also want to take a warm bath before intercourse to help you relax, and use vaginal lubricants to help reduce pain caused by vaginal dryness.

• Vaginal dryness

  Vaginal dryness is the first, and easiest, thing to solve if you are experiencing sexual difficulties because there is just insufficient lubrication. Often saliva, K-Y jelly, give sufficient relief. When they don't, tiny amounts of oestrogen creams applied vaginally will not only improve lubrication but will after a few weeks restore the thickness and consistency of the vaginal area to its pre-menopausal levels without exposing the rest of the body to hormones. Simply making penetration pain free and well-lubricated can bring back sexual pleasure for many women.

• Hormone therapy

  If your libido still remains unsatisfactory even after using lubricants or vaginal oestrogen and although the vaginal tissue is less thin and is more lubricated, it may be time to talk to your doctor about systemic oestrogens (HRT) in the form of pills or patches. Male sexual hormones can also effectively boost a woman's flagging libido, either with oestrogen or by themselves. However male hormones can deepen a woman's voice and cause liver damage, among other side effects, definatly needs a medical consultation One other drug that is available is called Tibolone (Livial) Is a combination of oestrogen progesterone and testosterone, is effective for hot flushes and vaginal dryness and very effective to increase the libido. However any medication has side effects and in order to decide what will be most effective for you again I would recommend a medical consultation
  

Communication is often the most difficult thing and even in the most loving relationships, asking for what we want may be hard.

• We feel that sex is supposed to come naturally, and having to talk about it must mean there’s a problem.
• We are afraid that being honest about what we want will threaten the other person.
• We are embarrassed by the words themselves.
• We have been making love with the same person for years, and it feels risky to bring up new insights.
• We aren’t communicating well with our partner in other areas of our relationship.
• Our partner seems defensive and might interpret our suggestion as a criticism or a demand.
• We don’t know exactly what we want at a particular time, or we prefer to react to something our partner does.
• Even with a willing partner, we may feel inhibited about asserting our sexuality openly and proudly.

If we do ask for what we want, we may be relieved and and happy to get our desires met. However, if our partner has different preferences, we may have to do some negotiating or compromising and look below the surface and find out what exactly are the underlying needs. For example, let’s say that you want to spend long hours in bed on a Sunday morning making love, but your partner wants to get up and go for a run or read the paper. What are your needs that aren’t being met? Do you want more intimacy? Do you need time to unwind? Do you want more sexual attention? What are your partner’s needs? Instead of getting locked into a specific thought process i.e. whether to cuddle in bed on Sundays, you and your partner can focus on how to get both of your needs fulfilled in other ways. Perhaps you can create special times throughout the week for relaxing together. You may be surprised that when you do voice your thoughts and fears and when you expand the focus to include both of your underlying needs this can open up a whole new field of possibilities.
Lets remember that intimacy is not always about the goal but more about the journey , as a couple you can take time to relearn each others body again, sex is fun, makes us feel energised and makes us smile among other things....


My Intimate Guru will be running some guided intimate weekends for couples in Mallorca. So what is a “guided intimate weekend” well its a bit like a romantic weekend away with an agenda! The agenda being to get your relationship, communication and sex life back on track again, oh and to have fun! How do we do this? We learn to give again, we learn to receive again, we learn to laugh together again, we learn to trust again, we learn that the relationship we had x amount of years ago is actually still there and its even better than before.


Watch this space for more information...