Enjoying sexual spontaneity

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Sex does not always have to be in pre-arranged in a pre-ordained manner. I fact some people get so ingrained in certain pattern of behaviour during sex that when faced with something outside of their norm they simply cannot manage they fail to orgasm, fail to relax, fail to achieve or maintain erection. Sex most certainly should never become boring and it never needs to, part of enjoying spontaneity is enjoy having fun, exploring, laughter and sex a fantastic combination. You may feel, well I have been with my husband/wife/partner for x amount of years, and we always do this/that..its the way they like it! So why not surprise them, for example; blind fold him/her and use a feathers up and down his/her body and over his/her delicate bits! they will love it. Offer him a massage, use some warm perfumed oil, take it slowly and turn it into a sensual event using silks and feathers, light touch, firm touch in fact have a hunt around the house you will be amazed at how many everyday objects can become sex toys.... feather dusters, dust-catchers, silk scarves, strings of beads, alternating drips of icy water and hot water, rubbing ice cubes gently over the skin, fingernails! One last thing and I know this may sound a little 1950's housewifey but really its good advice If he/she comes home at lunchtime, for example, and is feeling sexy, don’t frown and say you really don't have time ..smile and say yes please!!! you will feel great afterwards and for the rest of the day.

Coming soon.....My Intimate Guru's guide to the perfect evening at home with the one you love.

Please remember if you have an questions you can email me privately at myintimateguru@gmail.com

sexuality and menopause

Menopause most certainly does not signal the end of our sexuality, In actual fact we often face our sexuality with renewed vigour, no longer is the danger of unplanned pregnancy an issue, The children have left home we get back the freedom we once had and more opportunity to rekindle the intimacy we once had with our partners. So everything sounds like it should be quite rosy, however the reality is that we are actually feeling quite strange with our changing hormones and our altering bodies.

Let us for moment just look at what is happening with our physiology

Basically our ovaries are failing to produce the same quantity of sex hormones ,oestrogen and progesterone. This is a little like puberty in reverse! And just as much of a hormone roller coaster, causing the symptoms we all know and love, hot flushes, night sweats, palpitations, these occur because the body is receiving false messages about our core temperature, its saying warm us up, so our blood vessels dilate and contract with little or no respect as to our real situation....i.e. sitting in a perfectly adequately heated restaurant and needing to suddenly remove our clothes as we are seem to have a fire that has started on the inside! Unfortunately while our oestrogen is lowering this allows there to be a 'relative' increase in the level of testosterone so we may start to notice an increase in the growth of facial hair and notice our head hair becomes dryer than usual or even thinning as some of us start to develop male pattern baldness. Skin changes occur due to the reduction of collagen and elastin causing the skin becoming thinner and finer. More wrinkles start to appear a long with age spots caused by deposition of Melanin in the skin. Add to this some weight gain, mood swings, generalised aching and vaginal dryness! And I am talking about feeling sexy during menopause!

So what can we do to rekindle the intimacy inside that once burnt so freely and now threatens to be extinguished like the last flicker of a candle.

We can embrace it! We can have more sex! We can actually enjoy the freedom that being a “woman of a certain age” brings us, instead of saying we don't feel like it, we are tired, we cannot be bothered, Lets be the women we once were, we are still there on the inside but now we are brimming with experience and wisdom.

Sex increases our hormone production and makes us feel good about ourselves, here are 10 reasons that we should all be having more sex regardless of age but especially when our hormone levels are beginning to decline: (Some of these apply to men as well)

1. Heavy Breathing. A night of love can raise the amount of oxygen in cells, helping to keep organs and tissues functioning at their peak.
2. Strong Bones and Muscles. "Any kind of physical exercise is going to increase testosterone in men and oestrogen in women," states Dr. Karen Donahey, director of the Sex and Marital Therapy Program at Chicago's Northwestern University Medical Centre. Testosterone is believed to help keep men's bones and muscles strong as oestrogen does for women.
3. Lowered Cholesterol. Making love regularly can lower levels of the body's total cholesterol slightly, while positively changing the ratio of good-to-bad cholesterol.
4. Pain Relief. Sex can lower levels of "arthritic pain, whiplash pain and headache pain," according to Dr. Beverly Whipple, president-elect of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counsellors and Therapists. Hormones that are released during sexual excitement and orgasm can elevate pain thresholds.
5. DHEA -- Without Supplements. DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone), a popular supplemental hormone, is released naturally during lovemaking. "Just before orgasm ," Crenshaw says, "DHEA spikes to levels three to five times higher than usual."
6. Prostate Protection (for the boys) Researchers say prostate trouble may arise or be worsened by fluid build-up within the gland. Regular ejaculation will help wash out those fluids. Be cautious when suddenly changing frequency -- sudden changes may also trigger prostate problems.
7. Stress Relief. "Sex can be a very effective way of reducing stress levels," Donahey told Men's Health.
8. Love Will Keep Us Together. Crenshaw says affectionate touch will increase levels of oxytocin -- the "bonding hormone." Oxytocin is a desire-enhancing chemical secreted by the pituitary. Regular oxytocin release may help encourage frequent lovemaking.
9. Hormones -- Naturally. "Regular lovemaking can increase a woman's oestrogen level, protect her heart and keep her vaginal tissues more supple," states Donahey.
10. Exercise. "Sexual activity is a form of physical exercise," according to Dr. Michael Cirigliano of the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. Making love three times a week burns around 7,500 calories in a year -- the equivalent of jogging 75 miles.

SOURCE: Men's Health (November 1997, p. 104-108


So it looks like the answer is we should be having more sex, sounds easy doesn’t it? But sometimes its hard to find the time, we end up trying to make love at midnight because its all the time we have and we feel we ought to,when actually we are exhausted and totally not in the mood. We may have forgotten how to initiate sex or even even feel uncomfortable bringing up the subject (see my communication blog). We may be expecting our partner to read our mind and initiate sex, men cannot read minds! They just don't have the same ability to read unspoken things that women do, men need to be given clear signals. So lets thinks about how we can get back on the happy, healthy, “sex wagon”
if your sex drive isn't what it once was you can still take time for intimacy with your partner and you may be surprised that your libido increases as well. Being intimate does not require having intercourse, love and affection can be expressed in many ways. Enjoy your time together, try taking long romantic walks, have candlelit dinners, or giving each other massages.

• Educate yourself about your anatomy, sexual function, and the normal changes associated with ageing, as well as sexual behaviours and responses. This may help you overcome your anxieties about sexual function and performance.
• Enhance stimulation through the use of erotic materials (videos or books), masturbation and changes to sexual routines.
• Use distraction techniques to increase relaxation and eliminate anxiety. These can include erotic or non-erotic fantasies, using pelvic floor exercises when you are having intercourse, and music or videos.
• Practice stimulation without intercourse such as sensual massage, gentle touching using silks of feathers, talking about fantasies, bathing each other. These types of activities can be used to promote comfort and increase communication between you and your partner.
• Minimize any pain you may be experiencing by using sexual positions that allow you to control the depth of penetration. You may also want to take a warm bath before intercourse to help you relax, and use vaginal lubricants to help reduce pain caused by vaginal dryness.

• Vaginal dryness

  Vaginal dryness is the first, and easiest, thing to solve if you are experiencing sexual difficulties because there is just insufficient lubrication. Often saliva, K-Y jelly, give sufficient relief. When they don't, tiny amounts of oestrogen creams applied vaginally will not only improve lubrication but will after a few weeks restore the thickness and consistency of the vaginal area to its pre-menopausal levels without exposing the rest of the body to hormones. Simply making penetration pain free and well-lubricated can bring back sexual pleasure for many women.

• Hormone therapy

  If your libido still remains unsatisfactory even after using lubricants or vaginal oestrogen and although the vaginal tissue is less thin and is more lubricated, it may be time to talk to your doctor about systemic oestrogens (HRT) in the form of pills or patches. Male sexual hormones can also effectively boost a woman's flagging libido, either with oestrogen or by themselves. However male hormones can deepen a woman's voice and cause liver damage, among other side effects, definatly needs a medical consultation One other drug that is available is called Tibolone (Livial) Is a combination of oestrogen progesterone and testosterone, is effective for hot flushes and vaginal dryness and very effective to increase the libido. However any medication has side effects and in order to decide what will be most effective for you again I would recommend a medical consultation
  

Communication is often the most difficult thing and even in the most loving relationships, asking for what we want may be hard.

• We feel that sex is supposed to come naturally, and having to talk about it must mean there’s a problem.
• We are afraid that being honest about what we want will threaten the other person.
• We are embarrassed by the words themselves.
• We have been making love with the same person for years, and it feels risky to bring up new insights.
• We aren’t communicating well with our partner in other areas of our relationship.
• Our partner seems defensive and might interpret our suggestion as a criticism or a demand.
• We don’t know exactly what we want at a particular time, or we prefer to react to something our partner does.
• Even with a willing partner, we may feel inhibited about asserting our sexuality openly and proudly.

If we do ask for what we want, we may be relieved and and happy to get our desires met. However, if our partner has different preferences, we may have to do some negotiating or compromising and look below the surface and find out what exactly are the underlying needs. For example, let’s say that you want to spend long hours in bed on a Sunday morning making love, but your partner wants to get up and go for a run or read the paper. What are your needs that aren’t being met? Do you want more intimacy? Do you need time to unwind? Do you want more sexual attention? What are your partner’s needs? Instead of getting locked into a specific thought process i.e. whether to cuddle in bed on Sundays, you and your partner can focus on how to get both of your needs fulfilled in other ways. Perhaps you can create special times throughout the week for relaxing together. You may be surprised that when you do voice your thoughts and fears and when you expand the focus to include both of your underlying needs this can open up a whole new field of possibilities.
Lets remember that intimacy is not always about the goal but more about the journey , as a couple you can take time to relearn each others body again, sex is fun, makes us feel energised and makes us smile among other things....


My Intimate Guru will be running some guided intimate weekends for couples in Mallorca. So what is a “guided intimate weekend” well its a bit like a romantic weekend away with an agenda! The agenda being to get your relationship, communication and sex life back on track again, oh and to have fun! How do we do this? We learn to give again, we learn to receive again, we learn to laugh together again, we learn to trust again, we learn that the relationship we had x amount of years ago is actually still there and its even better than before.


Watch this space for more information...

communication part 1



Finding a path



Why is it so hard to have an open discussion with your partner about a sexual issue? Why when you go to open your mouth about a sexual issue does it all come out wrong? Why is your partner immediately defensive when it comes to intimate discussions? Why do intimate discussions often end in an argument? So may questions surrounding the theme of intimate communication skills.

I thought that in order to talk about good communication skills that maybe first I should give some examples of “bad” communications skills, so here are just 10 examples of the things that make communication more difficult maybe you will see yourself in some of these I know i did:

• Making character attacks ...“You’re lazy, stupid, …” rather than talking about the behavior that bothers you.

• Trying to be right rather than compromising...Would you rather be right or happy?

• Blaming others for your actions

• Not listening

• Thinking you know what your partner is thinking and feeling, rather than asking them

• Saying “You always…” or “You never…”

• Bringing up conflicts from the past when discussing a current conflict

• Being defensive

• Avoiding conflict altogether
• Stonewalling (refusing to listen to or talk to their partner)

and these are just some of the things that sadly we do in everyday communication... it is far better to:

• Listen Reflect back what your partner said accurately. Hear their feeling. Tune in to what they want and feel what's underneath it. Listen with your third ear.
• Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: "If I make dinner, will you clean up?" Be committed to making clear agreements.
• Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem. Kathlyn Hendricks asks people to "hmmm," which shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn, causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

• Focus on appreciation. There is a recommended ratio of 5-1 appreciation to complaint. Focus on the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.

• Focus on Now. The only reason to mention the past is in the context of learning from it, there is very little point in talking about something that you cannot change, far better to focus on what you can change right NOW.
• Time out. It may be that you need time to reflect and think things through positively, make sure you communicate this to your partner by arranging a time in the near future for a discussion this ensures they do not feel that you are stonewalling.

Now lets talk about intimate communication.

One of the greatest barriers to a good sexual relationship is an inability to communicate about sex. If fact we often find it far easier to have sex, than to talk about it! Many couples have never established a habit of talking about their feelings and about the sexual aspects of their relationship. This is hardly surprising when you consider how hard our parents found it to talk about sex with us. So the message that we often take with us to adulthood is that sex should definately not be spoken about.

However, It's never too late to start talking about sex and to also review your attitudes as well. A good place to start the conversation is after you have made love, you are both feeling close and comfortable, you are usually cuddling up in the after glow. Now would be a good time to discuss what you thought was great for you, and ask what was great for your partner. Rememeber to use your communication skills and listen and at this stage only concentrate on positives. It may be worth saying that you wonder why it is so hard to talk about sex, and see what his/her reply is. Be honest about how you feel when the topic of sex is raised and then maybe give a few clues as to why you think you feel this way. This may not be the time for a long discussion but it will certainly have opened a door, make sure the door stays open by saying that it has been so great to have been able to have had this conversation at last and that you would love to do it again...soon.

You may want to ask yourself a few questions in the meantime, for example: Are my needs for sex and intimacy being met?
Intimacy is not only about sex - it's about the whole of the relationship. Real intimacy takes place between two people who find themselves talking about important intimate subjects, their opinions, feelings and aspirations. If there are problems with non-sexual aspects of the relationship, this may affect sexual fulfillment.
Intimacy can quickly progress to sex. Such intimate communication leads to "really seeing" the other person which leads to touching and exploring each other's bodies. Sexual intimacy is that inner sense of loving and being loved.
In the past, having pleasurable sex and a satisfying relationship were regarded as unconnected. Today, for many people, neither sex for procreation or sex for pleasure alone is enough. Having satisfying sex within the context of a loving relationship is taken more seriously than ever. But how can we achieve it?
Just as you make time for sex, make time for talking about it. Turn off the radio, TV or ipod. Put down the newspaper, book, magazine or mouse. Concentrate on what your partner is saying and be supportive of the effort they are making, you know how hard this is for both of you, however i promise that you will both find the results far outweigh the effort, this will get easier and actually will become fun, maybe even a prelude to sex.

A couple of things to bear in mind is 1. Ensure that you both maintain eye contact demostrating that you are both focused and actively listening, and 2. make it clear that you value your partner regardless of what it is they say.

A good place to start may be sharing your sexual histories or lighter topics such as how you recieved your first sex education, your first awareness of sex, keep it light, keep it happy and most importantly laugh!

Ask questions for example: Do you prefer it when…?;

Make comments to increase your understanding of what your partner is saying for example: Oh yes, that's what it was like when we were on holiday

Reflect back what you have understood your partner to say for example: So I think you'd like us to spend more time setting the mood for sex?

Now the lines of communication are well and truly open the fun can really begin,

Watch this spot for the next instalment...

How can we rekindle the Spark?

A question of size

My Intimate Guru's Inbox

So i have a question :)
what do you do when a guy's really nice and every thing's lovely but the size of their penis means it does nothing :)

Thanks for the question, a good one and one that is often worried about by both sexes. The age old answer has always been “size doesn't matter”, well of course this is absolute nonsense, it matters when its “our” size we are talking about! So in order to answer the question i decided to do a little research and find out exactly what is the size of a normal penis, and found this was quite difficult to answer, as the penis changes size on a regular basis, i.e when aroused, when cold, at different times of the day, and also, the penis in its flaccid state may not represent its size when erect for example; A flaccid penis that looks large may be roughly the same size when erect as a flaccid penis that looks smaller. After some googling I found an actual measurement guide;

Average penis length (flaccid): from 3.4 inches to 3.7 inches (8.6 cm to 9.3 cm)
Average penis length (erect): from 5.1 inches to 5.7 inches (12.9 cm to 14.5 cm)
Average penis girth (circumference when erect): from 3.5 inches to 3.9 inches (8.8 cm to 10 cm)

So does penis size matter to women?..A survey of 556 women between the ages of 19-49 asked participants whether penis length and girth matter. The findings included:
18% said penis length was very important, 22% said penis girth was very important
57% said penis length was somewhat important, 53% said penis girth was somewhat important
25% said penis length was unimportant, 25% said penis girth was unimportant
I guess the median view is that yes, penis size is “somewhat” important to women , but the jury is out on whether that's in length or girth. During my research i found another slightly more interesting Canadian study that looked at penis size from a more erotic stance, they had women read erotic passages and rate them on the steaminess of the passage. The only thing they altered was the size of the penis. While some respondents did score the larger penises to be hotter, the differences were not statistically significant. Indicating that in a fantasy realm at least, bigger may not necessarily mean more arousing and penis size may not matter as much as other things.

Does penis size matter to men?..There is no question that this is a huge worry for men, young and old alike.. so i googled some statistics just to try and find out how big a worry it really is;

An Internet-based survey of 52 031 heterosexual men and women found that while 85% of women were satisfied with their partners’ penis size, but only 55% of the men were satisfied with their penis size.
Several studies that have asked men to evaluate the size of their penis, compare it to “normal” and then have actually measured their penis size, have shown that most men underestimate the size of their penis, and overestimate what is an average penis size.
Studies have also shown that men tend to compare penises in a way that is likely to end up with negative evaluation (i.e. they compare flaccid penis to an erect penis).
One study of men who were seeking penile enlargement surgery found that most of the men had penises that were in the average size range, despite their belief that they had unusually small penises.

So in conclusion men think penis size matters more than women...(incidentally this is also true for breasts, women think breast size is far more important than men do...men just love our breasts ladies no matter what size or shape)

Now lets look at a little more factual information this time about the women and how we have orgasms here is an abstract taken from a study by a person named Hoch Z. And its says:

We studied vaginal erotic sensitivity as part of the evaluation and treatment process of couples complaining of female coital anorgasmia (inability to have orgasms) but readily orgasmic at self or partner-performed external genital stimulation (clitoral masturbation). The existence on the anterior vaginal wall of an anatomically clearly definable erotically triggering entity, termed "The G Spot", was refuted by our findings. The entire anterior vaginal wall, including the deeper situated urinary bladder, periurethral tissues and Halban's fascia, rather than one specific spot, were found to be erotically sensitive in most of the women examined, and 64% of them learned how to reach orgasm by direct specific digital and/or coital stimulation of this area. All other parts of the vagina had poor erotic sensitivity. This supports our conceptualization of a 'clitoral/vaginal sensory arm of orgasmic reflex' including the clitoris, the entire anterior vaginal wall as well as the deeper situated tissues. Instead of looking for a 'vaginal (coital) orgasm' distinctly different from a 'clitoral orgasm', this concept speaks towards Vaginal erotic sensitivity by sexological examination.
Hoch Z.



So finally lets answer this question, If this guy is really nice and everything seems to be going well and you are feeling comfortable together but are worried that his penis will not be able to give you the satisfaction that you have experienced to this point in life...I think you are lucky you are about to enter a new era of discovery and exploration. Making love is not about size or shape or even totally about orgasms, Its about closeness, warmth, sharing and comfort. And if you are feeling those things then you can both learn the pattern of each others body's... Where in your body is there a point that when he kisses it or licks it or caresses it you will be begging him not to stop? What part of his body, when you touch it gently with your finger tips or a feather, do you hear him sigh quietly? What if he does two things at a time with his lips and his fingers? How do you feel? How will you guide him? Take it in turns to discover new things about each other. An orgasm takes between 5 and 20 seconds to be over, the journey to the orgasm can take hours and hours. In the light of that I am not sure that the size of his penis is so important, there is much more to sex than penetration and “wham, bam, thank you ma'am” sex is very unfulfilling

What is love

My Intimate Guru's Inbox

What is love???

I had a lovely Valentines message this morning from an old friend, which got me thinking about the true meaning of romantic love, the eternal question! What is love: the message I got said this:
Love is not an exam to pass or fail,
Love is not a competition to win or loose,
But love is a feeling in which you care for someone more than yourself...
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

At first glance i smiled and thought what a lovely message, then i got to thinking....Should you care for someone else more than yourself and still have a healthy relationship? Could you care for someone else more than yourself and still have a healthy relationship? So I Googled and Googled to try and find a definitive definition of “LOVE” wikipedia says; Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment, hmmm... is Love an emotion or is it in fact an action? For example love as an action could follow a scenario like this … Your significant other says “I love you” then turns around and appears to act in a way that suggests they do not really care for you in the way you would like them to, Its the action that is missing not necessarily the emotion. When I hear people say well i just stopped loving him/her this is definitely an action, an action that they just stopped taking part in, an emotion is not something you just stop having. I still “love” partners I had years ago, but I am not going to act on this emotion as the relationships did not work in a manner that was going to bring us both extended happiness.

There is a biological definition of love that names hormones such as oestrogen, testosterone, serotonin, norpinephrine, pheromones, dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin and this is just a few... all these hormones help control not only our sex drive, they also affect how we feel when we are “In love”with someone i.e, the appetite loss, sleeplessness, rapid pulse rate, feeling constantly excited, unfortunately this has a honeymoon period and these affects can last for about 1 to 3 years! This sounds a little like lust...natures way to get us to reproduce! But there is a third stage which is more about bonding and attachment and it would appear that when we are in a committed long term relationship we have higher levels of oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men. Oxytocin is a hormone in women which is usually associated with childbirth and breastfeeding and it also rises significantly before, during and after sexual activity. Vasopressin,is released into the brain during sexual activity and initiates and sustains patterns of activity that support the pair-bond between sexual partners. Vasopressin also seems to induce the male to become aggressive towards other males thus protecting his mate. So love is a hormonally controlled biological function in order to ensure successful human procreation. Definitely not very romantic!

Lets look at the psychological definition of love. Psychologist Robert Sternberg formulated a triangular theory of love and argued that love has three different components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Intimacy is a form in which two people share confidences and various details of their personal lives, and is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Commitment, on the other hand, is the expectation that the relationship is permanent. The last and most common form of love is sexual attraction and passion. All forms of love can be viewed as varying combinations of these three components. Another psychologist, Eric Fromm maintains the theory in his book “The art of loving” that love is not merely a feeling but is also actions, and that in fact, the "feeling" of love is superficial in comparison to a commitment to love via a series of loving actions over time. Fromm says that love is therefore not a feeling at all but rather a commitment to and an adherence to loving actions towards oneself or another or in fact many others over a sustained period of time. Fromm also describes love as a conscious choice that in its early stages might originate as an involuntary feeling (hormones?) but which later on no longer depends on those feelings but only in conscious commitment. This looks like we just have to wake up in the morning and make a decision to “love” not just our partner but ourselves and other people that are significant in our lives as well. I like this theory.
So... have I found a true definition of love?of course not. I have found a few theories surrounding the sensation we call love or the actions we call loving. For me I am going to continue enjoying the wonderful sense of being cared for i get, when my partner gives me a cup of tea i didn't ask for, because he thinks i deserve one. Or the profound warmth i feel when he gently squeezes my shoulder as I sit slaving over my Laptop! I will treasure the moments in bed as we fall asleep with our feet touching because cuddling and hot flushes don't mix! I love hearing those two or three little words. Lets all think a little harder everyday not just on Valentines day, about how we can show the people we love just how important they are to us....

Have a happy and loving Valentines day

Welcome to MyIntimateGuru

Hello to all. My name is Annie, Many of you know me personally and those that do I hope will be championing my new venture because you have all been nagging me for many years! especially a few of you...and you know who you are! Those that don't know me personally, I hope you will find interest in my new venture too. So.... what is "My Intimate Guru" It is going to be a book, a blog, a website, an open forum, basically a space where people can get information regarding intimacy issues, I am planning also to be available for private sessions either in person or via skype. Its new, its growing and its going to be fantastic for us all. Now this is where i need your help please. l would like you to send me any questions you have regarding sexuality, It could be anything at all but preferably something that has been worrying you, or you are curious about and you would like an answer too. It may be a burning issue or just a mild interest..please can you send them to me, either here or at Myintimateguru@gmail.com If they are true worries and you would like to hear my opinions say so and i will be happy to help in any way I can, otherwise I intend to use them as part of the book...i want to answer the questions that real people are asking....Soooooooo.......thank you in advance for your help. Annie