What is love

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What is love???

I had a lovely Valentines message this morning from an old friend, which got me thinking about the true meaning of romantic love, the eternal question! What is love: the message I got said this:
Love is not an exam to pass or fail,
Love is not a competition to win or loose,
But love is a feeling in which you care for someone more than yourself...
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

At first glance i smiled and thought what a lovely message, then i got to thinking....Should you care for someone else more than yourself and still have a healthy relationship? Could you care for someone else more than yourself and still have a healthy relationship? So I Googled and Googled to try and find a definitive definition of “LOVE” wikipedia says; Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment, hmmm... is Love an emotion or is it in fact an action? For example love as an action could follow a scenario like this … Your significant other says “I love you” then turns around and appears to act in a way that suggests they do not really care for you in the way you would like them to, Its the action that is missing not necessarily the emotion. When I hear people say well i just stopped loving him/her this is definitely an action, an action that they just stopped taking part in, an emotion is not something you just stop having. I still “love” partners I had years ago, but I am not going to act on this emotion as the relationships did not work in a manner that was going to bring us both extended happiness.

There is a biological definition of love that names hormones such as oestrogen, testosterone, serotonin, norpinephrine, pheromones, dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin and this is just a few... all these hormones help control not only our sex drive, they also affect how we feel when we are “In love”with someone i.e, the appetite loss, sleeplessness, rapid pulse rate, feeling constantly excited, unfortunately this has a honeymoon period and these affects can last for about 1 to 3 years! This sounds a little like lust...natures way to get us to reproduce! But there is a third stage which is more about bonding and attachment and it would appear that when we are in a committed long term relationship we have higher levels of oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men. Oxytocin is a hormone in women which is usually associated with childbirth and breastfeeding and it also rises significantly before, during and after sexual activity. Vasopressin,is released into the brain during sexual activity and initiates and sustains patterns of activity that support the pair-bond between sexual partners. Vasopressin also seems to induce the male to become aggressive towards other males thus protecting his mate. So love is a hormonally controlled biological function in order to ensure successful human procreation. Definitely not very romantic!

Lets look at the psychological definition of love. Psychologist Robert Sternberg formulated a triangular theory of love and argued that love has three different components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Intimacy is a form in which two people share confidences and various details of their personal lives, and is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Commitment, on the other hand, is the expectation that the relationship is permanent. The last and most common form of love is sexual attraction and passion. All forms of love can be viewed as varying combinations of these three components. Another psychologist, Eric Fromm maintains the theory in his book “The art of loving” that love is not merely a feeling but is also actions, and that in fact, the "feeling" of love is superficial in comparison to a commitment to love via a series of loving actions over time. Fromm says that love is therefore not a feeling at all but rather a commitment to and an adherence to loving actions towards oneself or another or in fact many others over a sustained period of time. Fromm also describes love as a conscious choice that in its early stages might originate as an involuntary feeling (hormones?) but which later on no longer depends on those feelings but only in conscious commitment. This looks like we just have to wake up in the morning and make a decision to “love” not just our partner but ourselves and other people that are significant in our lives as well. I like this theory.
So... have I found a true definition of love?of course not. I have found a few theories surrounding the sensation we call love or the actions we call loving. For me I am going to continue enjoying the wonderful sense of being cared for i get, when my partner gives me a cup of tea i didn't ask for, because he thinks i deserve one. Or the profound warmth i feel when he gently squeezes my shoulder as I sit slaving over my Laptop! I will treasure the moments in bed as we fall asleep with our feet touching because cuddling and hot flushes don't mix! I love hearing those two or three little words. Lets all think a little harder everyday not just on Valentines day, about how we can show the people we love just how important they are to us....

Have a happy and loving Valentines day