communication part 1



Finding a path



Why is it so hard to have an open discussion with your partner about a sexual issue? Why when you go to open your mouth about a sexual issue does it all come out wrong? Why is your partner immediately defensive when it comes to intimate discussions? Why do intimate discussions often end in an argument? So may questions surrounding the theme of intimate communication skills.

I thought that in order to talk about good communication skills that maybe first I should give some examples of “bad” communications skills, so here are just 10 examples of the things that make communication more difficult maybe you will see yourself in some of these I know i did:

• Making character attacks ...“You’re lazy, stupid, …” rather than talking about the behavior that bothers you.

• Trying to be right rather than compromising...Would you rather be right or happy?

• Blaming others for your actions

• Not listening

• Thinking you know what your partner is thinking and feeling, rather than asking them

• Saying “You always…” or “You never…”

• Bringing up conflicts from the past when discussing a current conflict

• Being defensive

• Avoiding conflict altogether
• Stonewalling (refusing to listen to or talk to their partner)

and these are just some of the things that sadly we do in everyday communication... it is far better to:

• Listen Reflect back what your partner said accurately. Hear their feeling. Tune in to what they want and feel what's underneath it. Listen with your third ear.
• Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: "If I make dinner, will you clean up?" Be committed to making clear agreements.
• Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem. Kathlyn Hendricks asks people to "hmmm," which shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn, causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

• Focus on appreciation. There is a recommended ratio of 5-1 appreciation to complaint. Focus on the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.

• Focus on Now. The only reason to mention the past is in the context of learning from it, there is very little point in talking about something that you cannot change, far better to focus on what you can change right NOW.
• Time out. It may be that you need time to reflect and think things through positively, make sure you communicate this to your partner by arranging a time in the near future for a discussion this ensures they do not feel that you are stonewalling.

Now lets talk about intimate communication.

One of the greatest barriers to a good sexual relationship is an inability to communicate about sex. If fact we often find it far easier to have sex, than to talk about it! Many couples have never established a habit of talking about their feelings and about the sexual aspects of their relationship. This is hardly surprising when you consider how hard our parents found it to talk about sex with us. So the message that we often take with us to adulthood is that sex should definately not be spoken about.

However, It's never too late to start talking about sex and to also review your attitudes as well. A good place to start the conversation is after you have made love, you are both feeling close and comfortable, you are usually cuddling up in the after glow. Now would be a good time to discuss what you thought was great for you, and ask what was great for your partner. Rememeber to use your communication skills and listen and at this stage only concentrate on positives. It may be worth saying that you wonder why it is so hard to talk about sex, and see what his/her reply is. Be honest about how you feel when the topic of sex is raised and then maybe give a few clues as to why you think you feel this way. This may not be the time for a long discussion but it will certainly have opened a door, make sure the door stays open by saying that it has been so great to have been able to have had this conversation at last and that you would love to do it again...soon.

You may want to ask yourself a few questions in the meantime, for example: Are my needs for sex and intimacy being met?
Intimacy is not only about sex - it's about the whole of the relationship. Real intimacy takes place between two people who find themselves talking about important intimate subjects, their opinions, feelings and aspirations. If there are problems with non-sexual aspects of the relationship, this may affect sexual fulfillment.
Intimacy can quickly progress to sex. Such intimate communication leads to "really seeing" the other person which leads to touching and exploring each other's bodies. Sexual intimacy is that inner sense of loving and being loved.
In the past, having pleasurable sex and a satisfying relationship were regarded as unconnected. Today, for many people, neither sex for procreation or sex for pleasure alone is enough. Having satisfying sex within the context of a loving relationship is taken more seriously than ever. But how can we achieve it?
Just as you make time for sex, make time for talking about it. Turn off the radio, TV or ipod. Put down the newspaper, book, magazine or mouse. Concentrate on what your partner is saying and be supportive of the effort they are making, you know how hard this is for both of you, however i promise that you will both find the results far outweigh the effort, this will get easier and actually will become fun, maybe even a prelude to sex.

A couple of things to bear in mind is 1. Ensure that you both maintain eye contact demostrating that you are both focused and actively listening, and 2. make it clear that you value your partner regardless of what it is they say.

A good place to start may be sharing your sexual histories or lighter topics such as how you recieved your first sex education, your first awareness of sex, keep it light, keep it happy and most importantly laugh!

Ask questions for example: Do you prefer it when…?;

Make comments to increase your understanding of what your partner is saying for example: Oh yes, that's what it was like when we were on holiday

Reflect back what you have understood your partner to say for example: So I think you'd like us to spend more time setting the mood for sex?

Now the lines of communication are well and truly open the fun can really begin,

Watch this spot for the next instalment...

How can we rekindle the Spark?